How to enjoy Christmas when there is an empty seat at the table?

Individualism of loss

Bereavement is a very individual issue. Each person experiences it in his own way - there is no rule of behavior and reactions that should accompany him during this difficult time. Emotions and thoughts are variable and usually beyond our control. Sometimes we specifically want to avoid the subject of leaving. There is a belief that speaking about the deceased person may be too difficult and will introduce negative emotions alone, or we do not bring up the subject so as not to sadden our loved ones. Remembering a loved one may seem challenging, but it actually carries a very therapeutic effect. - Commemorating the deceased also evokes positive feelings, which are much needed - you can share your first association with that person, talk about the values they lived by, share what you learned from them, remember funny moments - without focusing on the circumstances of their death. It is worth talking about the deceased, you can then discover how many hearts and memories the deceased person found his place in, how much he meant to others. And so you will find that such a conversation can also evoke pleasant emotions, such as gratitude, joy, contentment, peace or tenderness. Nurturing the memory, the memories of loved ones who have died makes us realize that death is the end of life, but it is not the end of relationships," says Magdalena Frąckowiak, psychologist at Puck Hospice of St. Padre Pio.

The essence of emotions during bereavement

- First of all, it is worth realizing exactly what bereavement is - it is a process of psychological, somatic and social response to the loss and its consequences, the expert explains. Awareness in the face of loss has tremendous power. Extreme emotions are intertwined. Their characteristics are volatility and unpredictability.
What you can do to face them more easily is to try to recognize what you feel - to name these emotions, to allow yourself to express them. Crying is often a good way to "cleanse." It is worth turning to your needs by asking yourself: "what do I need at a given moment - am I able to provide it myself or is it worth turning to other trusted people for support?" - Often there are people around ready to provide help and support, but they do not read our minds, so it is worth communicating your needs and feelings, the psychologist advises. In the process of experiencing mourning, it is also crucial to give yourself the right to experience it and in your own way whether by wearing black, looking at photos of the deceased person, organizing the deceased's belongings, etc., if it is helpful - do it, if not - trust your intuition. Mourning can also be expressed by writing diaries, making collages from photos, crafts, etc. What can also help in dealing with emotions is to look for information about bereavement - articles, books, podcasts - we feel safer when we know what is
happening to us at a given time," adds Magdalena Frąckowiak.

However, there are times when even despite the measures taken, this is not enough. You can then think about professional help - go to a psychologist for a consultation, consider joining a bereavement support group, and, on an ad hoc basis, use what is available at your fingertips, such as a bereavement support phone (800 108 108) or a crisis.

Commemorating a loved one

- For people who are suffering after the loss of a loved one, Christmas is not the most beautiful, it is often extremely difficult, because there is a huge dissonance between how the grieving person feels and the atmosphere around him. Therefore, the first Christmas after the loss is a kind of new reality for the loved ones of the deceased - this time realizes the lack, prompts and forces certain changes. There are new duties, which until now were performed by a loved one, new circumstances of family gatherings. It's hard to get used to new realities, embarrassment or confusion may arise. In honoring the memory of the deceased, this celebration can be marked with new gestures, rituals, to evoke the presence of the deceased despite his actual absence," says Magdalena Frąckowiak, psychologist at the Puck Hospice of St. Padre Pio. This can be helpful:

• Lighting a candle and leaving it in a prominent place,
• Decorating the place at the table usually occupied by the deceased,
• Offering relatives to say a special prayer for the deceased,
• commemorating his life with a moment of silence,
• Watching family photos and videos together,
• telling favorite stories about the deceased and inviting loved ones to share shared memories,
• A joint walk to the cemetery,
• Listening to the deceased's favorite Christmas song.

Is not remembering a deceased person also good?

The memory of those who have passed away is an integral part of our lives today. It is the most pleasant and easy to remember people who were close to us, whom we remember fondly. However, not all relationships were among the easiest. Surviving such a loss can be a real challenge. - If someone has done us wrong and we don't want to remember him or her at various good or important moments, this is completely understandable and we are not obliged to do so. If, on the other hand, by not remembering, we want to avoid unpleasant emotions then the consequences of such behavior or suppression can be even greater experience of unpleasant emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, anger, and it can also lead to unhealthy habits, such as social isolation, avoidance of anxiety-provoking situations, abuse of psychoactive substances, " explains Magdalena Frąckowiak.

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You can learn more about the issue of Dying Well from the Puck Hospice Report: Trusting Proximity. It is a guide to important issues that gives practical tips and tools to help accompany the departed: www.hospitium.org/raport-o-dobrym-umieraniu-2/.

Source: press mat.