It's rarely mentioned: The likes of you don't come here

Prof. Ursula Demkow - a doctor, scientist and former Deputy Minister of Health, when she already had three daughters, she and her husband opened the door for a fourth child - a boy from an orphanage. She talks about why so few people make this decision, what the system does wrong, and why it's worth it after all, in an interview with Iwona Schymalla in the podcast "It's rarely talked about."

The decision did not come from chance. As a physician, Prof. Demkov was familiar with the research conducted after the fall of communism - observations of children adopted from Romanian orphanages by Western families. The results were unequivocal and disturbing.

"No child who was placed in an orphanage before the age of six months developed properly. This is the period when it seems that the child knows little, associates little, and yet it is crucial for the child's development - because this is when the brain develops intensively, the right neural connections are formed, the frontal cortex develops, which is responsible for the development of emotions, for who we will be in the future."

- I was aware that these kids should not be placed in orphanages. And that the most important thing is for them to develop in the family," says the professor.

"I had so much that I should share."

Three daughters, a home, the academic careers of both spouses. Prof. Demkow describes that moment with disarming simplicity: "I found that I had so much that I should share. With whom to share? With the most vulnerable. I thought to myself that since I had raised three children, the fourth would also fit into the new house."

Their first steps were to the adoption center - with adoption in mind. However, the director told them something that changed their plans: "Everyone would like to adopt, but our children are the ones no one wants." Children with an irregular legal situation - who cannot be adopted, but can go to a foster family. The professor did not hesitate for long. - Well, let's do it," she said.

"People like you don't come here."

The procedure turned out to be long and multi-stage: psychological tests lasting many hours, certificates from addiction counseling, from a psychiatrist, about no criminal record, about income. Then a multi-week course to prepare the parents from the medical, legal and psychological side.

"People like you - educated, with a good financial situation, with a path of development mapped out - don't come here," said the center's director. - But we want to, though," they replied.

Peter and his spikes

He ended up with them as a three-year-old from a children's home. In the beginning, he hardly slept - he was given sleep medication at the orphanage, which his parents only learned about through documentation. Prof. Demkov recalls this phase in words taken from a favorite book - "The Hedgehog" - about a mother who adopted a boy covered in spikes:

"As he opened himself to love, these thorns fell off one by one. But before they fall off, one can be pricked to the bone."

Luck in misfortune - and inequality of opportunity

Today Peter is 21 years old. The professor admits that he was lucky: he was placed in an orphanage when he was one year and eight months old, so he spent his first months with his mother. He didn't suffer the deepest emotional damage. She was also lucky - as a doctor with access to child psychiatrists, allergologists and financial resources for private visits.

"I was in a privileged position. On the other hand, for a mom like that, who has to wait two years in line to see an allergist and can't afford a private visit - that's a big challenge."

A system that doesn't work

What does the foster care system in Poland look like? Psychological and psychiatric support is limited, respite care is practically non-existent, legal assistance in complicated situations of children with irregular status - not either. Prof. Urszula Demkow took advantage of a volunteer program in Warsaw, funded by the mayor of the city: once a week, a volunteer would take Peter out, and the family could take a breather. The program lasted two years and was not continued.

The Ministry of Family, Labor and Social Policy is working on a law on foster care. The professor is cautiously hopeful that the new legislation will improve the situation - but stresses:

"Encouragement is necessary, only in parallel you need to build a support system."

Everyone can do something

At the end of the talk, the professor reminds us that foster parenting comes in many forms. Sometimes it's about an older child who just needs a quiet corner and an opportunity to learn. Or it's about a friendly family who invites a child to Christmas. Or it's about the financial support of family orphanages. For those who still hesitate, he has a concrete argument: "Everyone can do something. Anyone."